Cutting Onions

When I was 8, just about everything

When I was 15, not very much. I still wondered at the life that could have been but I had hardened myself against it for 7 years.

When I was 21, my Grandmother and great Grandmother died within 2 days of each other. They were hugely important to me. It was devastating. Other than that, nothing came close.

When I was 30, seeing images or depictions of fathers being proud started to really hit hard. Worry that I was not being the father my kids needed or the husband my wife deserved.

When I was 40, the proud thing still, now adding in grandparents and their relationships to their grandkids.

When I was 41, a feeling of loss, of not being enough, of failing. Remembering the words of my Grandfather. The world changing when I was not ready for it

When I was 48, my grandson was born, being happy and feeling love more than my system knew how to regulate. Still the grandparents in movies and books, they are a hard trigger

When I was 48, my best friend being gone, it broke something inside of me that I didn’t know how to repair

Now, I am 49. Damn near everything it feels like…

So now, I don’t really worry about what might have been, I miss my Grandmother and Luvy but that pain has lessened, I’m still a sucker for that trope in movies and books though.

I tell my kids I am proud of them every chance I get, that I love them, and I try to be part of their lives as much as they want me too. I don’t ever want them to feel what that lack is like.

I work hard to be the best husband I can be.

My Grandson is growing up faster than I can believe. We have many many memories to forge.

The broken parts inside have worn down, their sharp edges dulled by time they no longer jab at my every movement and thought. But I think I will miss my Shadow for the rest of my life.

I am happy though, happy to have the memories I do.

So when I say damn near everything I don’t mean I am sitting in my office weeping. Instead I get emotional more so now than I think any time in my life. Over little things. Dad’s sticking up for their kids, being proud of them, being present in their lives. The unshakeable belief in a little kid that his or her friends will be there forever. Grandparents taking an active role in their grandkids lives, not just being there but wanting to be part of it. Those all sound heavy but I do mean all sort of things. Everything from the Reading Rainbow reboot to Spiderman movies to kids having enough money for a book fair, and introducing a new generation to the books, movies and stories from our past. Nostalgia. Sunsets, snow, Christmas time, the glow of the tree at night.

I think I worked really hard from about age 8 till I was in my 40’s to pretend like I didn’t have feelings.

Turns out I have been a big softie this whole time…